Sonic 9000
by sonic9000
Summary: Sonic 9000 is a badass robot clone of Sonic the Hedgehog. NOT FOR KIDS!
1. Chapter 1

Dr. Robotnik was hanging out at his evil base.

"How am I going to fuck up humanity today?" he wondered aloud.

"By getting your fucking ass kicked, bitch." a cool voice replied.

"Who the-" Dr. Robotnik turned to see 6 feet of cold blue steel, menace glinting from the robotic hedgehog's eyes. "S-Sonic?"

"Not quite, bitch," the robot replied, stepping from the shadows. "I'm Sonic 9000, Sonic's robot clone. I've got a human brain, a human heart, and I'm an ass-kicking, bitch-slapping machine."

"I'm not a bitch, you won't slap me and you won't kick my ass!" Dr. Robotnik exclaimed in a rage, unleashing a horde of killer robots at Sonic 9000.

"Heh. Is that all you got?" before Sonic 9000 even finished that sentence, he had laid waste to Dr. Robotnik's robot army.

"Shit! Shit! SHIT! I'm getting the fuck out of here!" Dr. Robotnik screamed like a pussy.

Sonic 9000 paused to vape, his sleek, silver vape pen flickering in the lights of Dr. Robotnik's fortress, a calm, light blue mist emanating from his robot mouth. "It's only sporting of me to give him a head start, normally I'd catch this fool in 0.1 seconds."

In 0.2 seconds (head start!) Sonic 9000 had caught Dr. Robotnik.

"Let me down!" Dr. Robotnik complained, kicking his legs futilely as Sonic 9000 held him up by his stupid little collar.

"No way. Fuck you." Sonic 9000 coolly replied, throwing Dr. Robotnik in jail. "Now sit in there and think about what you've done."

"Oh," Sonic 9000 said before walking away, pausing to take another vape, "try not to get shivved...bitch."

"Now, let's see what else this world has to offer..." Sonic 9000 said to no one but himself as he walked out of the jail.


	2. Chapter 2

Thing were boring as hell at Sonic's house.

"I wonder where Sonic is?" Tails asked.

"I don't know," Cream the rabbit replied. "Amy, do you know where Sonic is?"

"I haven't got a clue," Amy Rose replied.

"Fuck, I don't fucking know where he is either" said Knuckles the echidna. "Shadow, this is fucking weird. Wanna help me find Sonic?"

"Sure," Shadow the hedgehog replied. "Let me get my gun." Shadow got his gun and the two left, leaving Cream, Tails and Amy alone.

"It's so strange for Sonic to up and leave like this," Amy said. "And he didn't even tell me where he was going!"

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Amy and Tails called, heading for the door to open it. They exchanged looks.

"It's Sonic-"

"OMG SONIC IT'S YOU YOU'RE BACK I MISSED Y-"

"-9000," Sonic 9000 concluded as Amy opened the door, bewildered.

"Sonic...9000?" Amy stammered, beholding Sonic 9000's shimmering metallic splendor. "Who..._what_ are you?"

"I'm Sonic's robot clone and I have a human brain, a human heart, and a human...that's not important. What's important is that Sonic had to go away on some weird-ass secret assignment, so I was activated to take care of things in his stead. I don't even know where the fuck he is. It's fucked if you ask me, but I don't make the rules." Sonic 9000 paused to take a hit from his vape pen.

"What's that?" Tails asked, pointing to the vape pen in Sonic 9000's hand.

"This is a vape pen, for vaping," Sonic 9000 replied matter-of-factly.

"Vaping? What's that?" Tails asked, eager to know more.

"Vaping is like smoking, but there's no fucked-up bullshit like tar so it's totally healthy," Sonic 9000 replied. "This is a nicotin-free e-liquid I'm using, though. I vape for the aesthetic qualities."

"So cool..." Amy blushed, but Sonic 9000 pretended not to notice. He's a smooth operator.

"Anyway, I threw Dr. Robotnik in jail," Sonic 9000 went on, getting comfy on the couch, his robot ass fitting in nicely to the impression Sonic's butt had left in the couch through the years.

"Wow! You really got Dr. Eggman?" Tails exclaimed, jumping to hug Sonic 9000.

"HIS NAME IS ROBOTNIK!" Sonic 9000 screamed, bitch-slapping the fuck out of Tails. Tails whimpered like a fucking pussy but he learned his lesson.

"But yes, I got his bitch ass. He wasn't shit," Sonic 9000 said.

"Wow...the Sonic I know could never pull that off..." Amy whispered in awe. She was getting horny, horny for a robot.

"But I'm not here to sit on my fucking ass and vape all day," Sonic 9000 declared, getting up. "I'm here to fight evil in place of original Sonic, and I'm fucking gonna do it, until there's no more evil left in this world!"

Suddenly, the TV just turned itself on. "What the fucking shit?!" Sonic 9000 declared.

A ghastly, mostly green giant robot appeared on the TV screen, with two giant claws.

"It's ZERO!" Amy and Tails exclaimed, simultaneously again. They exchanged weird looks again.

"Whatever that stupid fuck's up to now, I'm gonna beat his fucking ass!" Sonic 9000 declared. "Come on gang, let's roll!"


	3. Chapter 3

Sonic 9000, Amy and Tails arrived at ZERO'S secret base, which would have been hard to find but it wasn't because Sonic 9000 is good as fuck.

"Wow, how did you find ZERO'S base so quickly?" Tails asked.

"I'm Sonic 9000, bitch," Sonic 9000 coolly replied. Sonic 9000 pulled out his vape pen and took a drag. "Let's kick this stupid bitch's ass."

Sonic 9000 kicked the door down and there was ZERO. "01001001 01101110 01110100 01110010 01110101 01100100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101100 01100101 01110010 01110100" ZERO said.

"What's he saying?" Amy asked, scared for her life as ZERO readied its weapons.

"How the fuck should I know?" Sonic 9000 spat.

"Well, ZERO'S a robot, and...you're a robot..."

"Are you some sort of racist? I don't speak binary, you dumb bitch," Sonic 9000 admonished. Amy hung her head in shame.

"Back to business," Sonic 9000 said to ZERO. "Here's how this is going to end. I'm going to beat the fuck out of your."

"01010101 01101110 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 01101100 01111001 00101100" ZERO said mechanically. "01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110010 01101111 01100010 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100100 01100111 01100101 01101000 01101111 01100111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01100001 00101101"

Suddenly, ZERO shut the fuck up. "What the-" Amy started, but then she saw. Standing next to ZERO, with a fist full of robot guts, was Sonic 9000.

"Gotta go fast, bitch," Sonic 9000 grinned as ZERO collapsed in a motionless, lifeless heap on the cold steel floor.

"Wow! You're amazing, Sonic 9000!" Tails rejoiced, running up to touch Sonic 9000. Sonic 9000 deftly dodged Tails' gay attempt at a hug.

"Hands off the merchandise, motherfucker," Sonic 9000 said, slapping Tails upside the head.

"Wow, ZERO is dead, and Dr. Egg-err, Robotnik, is in jail," Amy said, quickly (and wisely) remembering just what to call that mustachioed fatass pervert. "What do we do now?"

"Well, you and I can do a lot, Amy..." Sonic 9000 said suggestively.

"Tee hee," Amy giggled.

Tails watched in astonishment as Amy and Sonic 9000 walked out, hand in hand.

"B-but...Amy loves Sonic..." Tails whispered.

"I am Sonic," Sonic 9000 said, his robotic hearing easily picking up Tails' cry. "I'm just better."

"Darn right you are," Amy sighed, leaning her head against Sonic 9000's metal shoulder. "Huh. It's warm..."

"That's not the only part of me that's warm, Amy..."


	4. Chapter 4

Sonic 9000 and Amy Rose were laying in bed together.

"I can't believe we fucked for 14 straight hours," Amy whispered, breathless and exhausted, clinging to Sonic 9000's side.

"Yeah, I can't believe it wasn't an even 20," Sonic 9000 said, disappointed. "Obviously you need to get your stamina up." Sonic 9000 took a drag from his vape pen. "Still pretty good though. Tell you what, babe, I'll give you an even 8 hours of sleep and then we can go again."

"Sounds like a good idea," Amy said with a smile."

Meanwhile, Shadow and Knuckles were out looking for Sonic, the real hedgehog Sonic.

"This is fucking weird," Shadow said, twirling his gun around. "We can't fucking find Sonic any-fucking-where."

"We'll find him," Knuckles wearily reassured his friend.

"We fucking better," Shadow said. "Where the fuck are we headed next, anyway?"

"Next, we're going to a place called...Kanto, I think."

"What the fuck's Kanto?" Shadow asked.

"I heard they got good weed there," Knuckles said. "You know how Sonic's a weed connoisseur."

"Shit, that's right," Shadow realized. "Fuck! Why didn't I think to look for Sonic there?"

"At any route, Kanto's a pretty big place," Knuckles said. "Maybe we should split up once we're there."

"I don't know man, it's an unfamiliar environment," Shadow said cautiously. "We should stick together just in case. I've got my gun and you've got your knuckles."

"Oh, there's the plane now," Knuckles said as the two watched a plane land on the tarmac. "Let's get on."

Right before the two boarded the plane, a TSA agent stopped Shadow. "Whoa buddy, where do you think you're going with that gun? You can't take a gun on a plane!"

"I don't give a shit. Fuck you," Shadow said. He got on the plane anyway and the TSA agent cried like a little baby. "Next stop, Kanto."

Back at Sonic's house, Tails and Cream were talking. It was hard for them to hear each other because of Amy's screams of pleasure and the springs inside Sonic's mattress squeaking.

"Don't you think Sonic 9000 is a little...off?" Cream asked.

"What do you mean?" Tails replied. "He seems pretty cool, and strong, and tough."

"Everything is just too easy for him. I don't know."

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Cream," Tails reassured his friend. "He put Dr. Eggm-Robotnik in jail, he killed ZERO, the man's a hero!"

"Yeah..." Cream looked away. "Yeah."


	5. Chapter 5

Shadow and Knuckles were now in Kanto, chilling with a bit of the sticky icky.

"This place is great," Knuckles said. "We stepped off the plane and could already smell weed. Three hours later, we're getting baked as fuuuuuuuuuck."

"I concur," said Shadow. "This weed is bomb as fuck. Dope as shit. Good as hell."

"Wait..." Knuckles said, realizing something as he put the bong down, "aren't we here to find Sonic?"

"Shit! Fuck! You're right!" Shadow exclaimed. "We were so busy getting high we forgot about our friend!"

"Weed is good," Knuckles said, "but only when it's used responsibly."

"That's some real shit right there," Shadow agreed. "Come on, let's go look for Sonic."

After a few hours of searching, Shadow looked dejected.

"We've been in this forest for HOURS," Shadow bitched. "Where the fucking fuck is Sonic?"

"Have patience, my friend," Knuckles said reassuringly. "We'll find-"

"POKEBALL GO!"

Out of nowhere, a red-and-silver metallic sphere beaned Shadow right in the head. "Ow! Fuck!" Shadow yelped. "You fucker! Take this!"

Shadow pulled out his gun and let loose three fast shots, blindly into the woods. BANG! BANG! BANG! The percussive blasts rattled Shadow's eardrums, but he didn't give a fuck. Some asshole had just whacked him with a rock or some shit.

Immediately, Shadow's ears were greeted with a most delightful sound. "Ow! Fuck! I'm fucking shot!"

"The voice is coming from that way!" Knuckles said. "Come on!"

The duo raced over to where the screaming was coming from to find a young man, a human man, clutching his leg as it bled. "You fucking shot me! What kind of Pokémon shoots someone?!"

"I'm not a Pokémon you dumb bitch, I'm Shadow the Hedgehog," Shadow replied. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm Ash...Ash Ketchum," the young man said, struggling to his feet. "Looks like you only grazed me with the bullet."

"That was intentional," Shadow said. "If I had wanted to kill you, you'd be dead."

"We're sorry you got shot," Knuckles said to Ash. "Want to help us find our friend, Sonic?"

"Sure, I'll help you!" Ash replied enthusiastically. "I'm already a Pokémon master, so I need something to do."

"Cool. Have you seen a blue hedgehog anywhere?" Shadow asked.

"Nah, can't say I have," Ash replied. "I do know Kanto better than anybody alive, so if he's here, we'll find him."

"Oh yeah," Ash added, reaching into his backpack, pulling out a small baggie. "You know what time it is?"

"4:20." Shadow and Knuckles grinned.

Sonic 9000 took a long drag from his vape pen, looking out onto the city from the third-floor balcony of the house he now inhabited, the cool evening breeze touching his cold, metal skin. Of course, Sonic 9000 didn't feel the breeze, not that it mattered.

"The Blue Crystal Medley flavor isn't too bad, could use more nicotine though," Sonic 9000 mused.

"Are you going to come back to bed, sweetie?" Amy called from the bedroom.

"In a minute, Amy," Sonic 9000 replied, his robotic eyes constantly scanning the horizon.

Amy sighed and got up, her legs still a bit wobbly from the mind-blowing sex she and Sonic 9000 had been having nearly nonstop for days. Heading to the bathroom, Amy looked at herself in the mirror.

"God, I look terrible," Amy said, grimacing at the bags under her eyes. All the sex had cut into her sleep schedule and it was beginning to show.

"Amy..."

Amy looked around. "Hello?"

"Amy..." the call was weaker now, almost ghostly, but it sounded familiar...oh so familiar...

"S...Sonic?!"

"Save me..." Sonic's voice cried to Amy, the ethereal, haunting words coming from everywhere and nowhere.

"Sonic?! Where are you? What's wrong?!"

"He...he..." like dust in the wind, Sonic's voice faded away.

"Sonic..." Amy whispered.

"Did I hear my name?" Amy jumped, turning around to see Sonic 9000 walking in, vape pen in hand. "Are you ready for round 14?"

"Err...maybe in a bit," Amy said. "I need some rest, and a shower, I think. I need to...clear my head."

"Whatever you say, baby," Sonic 9000 said. "I'm going to watch some TV downstairs with Tail and that other bitch, what's her name..."

"Cream?"

"Yeah, Cream." Sonic 9000 walked out of the bedroom.

Amy turned back to the mirror, looking at her weary reflection. _Sonic..._ she thought. _Where are you? What happened to you?_

_And...who's "he?"_


	6. Chapter 6

"_*cough* *cough* *cough*_"

"Ha ha, Charmander you are a pussy. You can't even hit a bong right," Ash laughed.

"Cut Charmander some slack, if it weren't for his Flamethrower attack we wouldn't even be able to light it up," Shadow said.

Shadow, Knuckles, Ash Ketchum and his Pokemon were getting blasted on some crisp, chill Kanto kush.

"Shouldn't we be doing something?" Knuckles asked.

"Yeah, we should be...BLAZING IT!" Ash chortled.

"No, I'm serious. Shadow, we're looking for Sonic, right?"

"Fuck dude, I totally forgot!" Shadow instantly sobered up. "Come on, if Sonic isn't here, let's look somewhere else. Ash, how much you want for a dime?"

"You guys have been cool as shit, just take it, free of charge," Ash replied after taking a massive bong rip. "Weed is so cheap here it's really not a big deal."

"Thanks man. We'll look you up next time we're in the area," Shadow said, pocketing a baggie from Ash. "All right Knuckles, I think I know where Sonic might be next. This next place is pretty far away so it might take some time to get there."

"As your friend, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top," Knuckles said.

"Knuckles what the fuck are you talking about, we're fast as shit, we can just run there," Shadow replied, looking a little pissed off.

"Oh, right. Let's just run then."

Meanwhile, Sonic 9000 was watching some TV.

"Ha ha! I love the Trailer Park Boys!" he chortled. "This is some funny shit!"

"Sonic 9000, can we watch something else?" Tails asked.

"NO WE CAN'T YOU STUPID LITTLE BITCH NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS!" Sonic 9000 bellowed.

"Jeez, fine," Tails mumbled in defeat. Sonic 9000 sure showed that fucker. Tails got fucking owned like the stupid twin-tails BITCH he is. Completely utterly destroyed. Totally eviscerated. Owned on a level beyond what mere mortals comprehend as "owned."

"Hey Sonic 9000, want to get some lunch?" Amy asked.

"I am a robot Amy, all I need to do is vape," Sonic 9000 replied. "But thanks for the offer, sweetcheeks. I'll go fuck your brains out later. I have to see how Ricky gets out of _this _wacky situation!"

_Sonic 9000's distracted, _Amy thought. _Now I can try to find out what that strange ghostly voice was all about._

Amy went back upstairs, to her bedroom, the source of what she was sure was Sonic's voice, possibly calling to her from beyond the grave.

Entering the master bedroom, Amy dare not say anything, lest Sonic 9000 hear her with his off-the-charts hearing abilities.

"_Amy..." _the ghostly voice called. "It's me, Sonic. _You have to save me..."_

Amy mouthed a soundless "_how_."

"_I've been trapped in the...GHOST DIMENSION!_"


End file.
